Often a feeling of senselessness is part of it.
This leads to exhaustion, burnout and exhaustion. Someone who doesn’t take good care of themselves also lets too much be done with them. He sets too few limits. Regeneration – that is, breaks or enough sleep – is the basis for getting through life well.
Do many people come to you who feel this way?
Yes, for example, a very performance-oriented and perfectionist woman comes to me for coaching who is really deeply involved or has been deeply involved. It’s getting a little better now. In the past, she just didn’t want to make any mistakes, to get everything done perfectly. She worked extremely beyond her own limits. Also in terms of her working hours: she used to work 110 to 120 hours a week. She was embarrassed herself.
How did she get through this?
She could keep it up because the fear of doing something wrong was so massive. It was stronger than any feelings of exhaustion, of I-can’t-anymore, of what-they-ask-of-me. Without such a strong fear in the background, you couldn’t do it. Then at some point you would just be so tired and drained that you would take sick leave or simply go home.
Ulrike Scheuermann, born in 1968, is a qualified psychologist and author of numerous non-fiction books. She lives with her family in Berlin.
Where does such fear come from?
That is very individual. Mostly there are previous experiences behind it. It was the case with my client that, as a child, she was drilled a lot by her family, especially her mother. There simply couldn’t be any mistakes. But of course mistakes happened from time to time and her mother reacted extremely harshly and disparagingly. The experience was so shocking and so shame for her that as a child she obviously decided that she would never make mistakes again. Fortunately, there are good methods to deal with this. For example, I work with Logosynthesis.
How does Logosynthesis work?
This is a modern method that works in the unconscious. The interesting thing is that you don’t work with the symptoms. In the case study mentioned, the symptom is the fear of making mistakes. Instead, one looks for the triggers for this fear.
How do you deal with these?
In Logosynthesis you work with words. You use the trigger in three sentences that are always the same and thereby bring energy back into flow. In my client’s case, for example, it was the sentence “My mother doesn’t want me to make mistakes.” If you hit the right trigger, you can neutralize it. And then it’s just a memory and doesn’t trigger anything today. This is a process that takes place in the unconscious, in the almond kernel of the brain. Experiences are saved there and linked to specific reactions. And this link is broken.
How do I have to imagine that: Do I have a sentence that I always recite in a mantra-like manner?https://123helpme.me/to-kill-a-mockingbird-essay/
Only once, then the connection is broken. That’s the great thing about it: It’s not about affirmations, there are, too, but you use the power of words to break an existing connection between trigger and reaction in the unconscious. You only have to say the words once and then something is different. It is not always a huge effect, nor is it a miracle method. But something is different afterwards. And you can possibly continue to work with it. You look in the next round: What is there now? One memory is no longer so important. But perhaps a limiting belief like “I mustn’t make mistakes” emerges. Then you continue to work with it.
The woman you were talking about probably worked so hard for years. So that it doesn’t get that far with others: What can be the first signs that you can tell that you should take more care of yourself?
If the sleep pattern changes, this is a warning sign: if someone suddenly sleeps less and less, can no longer fall asleep or can no longer sleep through the night, or wakes up very early. It can even be a sign of depression. Another symptom is when you no longer enjoy what you are doing. Often a feeling of senselessness is part of it. In addition, it often happens that people withdraw. It was the same with my client, she no longer had any social contacts at all.
How do you find out what you can do as self-care for yourself, what your own needs are?
I work with seven fields in which you can change something: body, feelings, sleep, space, connectedness, thoughts and soul. You should start in the area you feel like most. You probably won’t be able to change all seven areas at once.
Ulrike Scheuermann: The psychologist supports people in their personal and professional development. And she writes books: Most recently, “Self Care – You will be valuable”. (Source: private)
What role do other people play in self-care?
Relationships are extremely important for good self-care. The first is to share how you are and where you are not doing so well. That is always the basis. Many say nothing about it when they are not doing well. They think: “I always tell others the same thing, I just moan. They can no longer hear that either.” But it’s important to really open up and share how you are inside and ask for help. Many are not so good at that. It does a lot and other people are also happy when they can help.
Sometimes, however, moral expectations or one’s willingness to help stand a bit in the way of taking care of yourself. How can you handle it well?
The basis for helping others is to be able to help yourself well first. Self-care is sometimes confused with selfishness. It is exactly the opposite. You can only help others if you yourself are in good shape. Otherwise it would be a helper syndrome and lead to even more exhaustion. Those who do not get enough for themselves cannot give to others either.
How do I manage to say no?
For many, saying no is difficult because they don’t want to disappoint others. But it is possible to do something through communication so that the other person does not have to be disappointed. If someone really wants to be disappointed, they will be anyway. Many of my colleagues say: “No is no, you don’t have to justify it.” But I think: It is good to justify the no, because the other person can develop more understanding and also notice that it has nothing to do with them. When someone says “No, I won’t do that”, it’s just very harsh. Then many feel rejected or personally rejected. Instead, you can justify why you can’t do it. You can also say something like: “I’m glad you asked me.” Because it is also an appreciation to be asked for something. “Still, I can’t do it at the moment because …” and then there is a reason.
Is it also a way of getting rid of guilt a bit?
Yeah, I think that can ease feelings of guilt. You could also offer an alternative to the person you refuse: “I can’t do it at the moment, but I know a lot of colleagues who could also say something about it, for example XY.” If someone develops guilty feelings in such cases, there is usually a background to it. Maybe before someone was never allowed to say no. Otherwise the parents were offended or whatever.
All of these things you can do to take care of yourself – sleep longer, eat healthier, or exercise more often – sound good. But there is often a lack of implementation. How do I manage to stick to resolutions like this?
I’m not really into discipline because, in my experience, it doesn’t hold up well in the long term. I think it’s very important that you do things that you enjoy or that you benefit from in some way. Anyone who struggles to the gym will stop at some point. But maybe there is a way in which sport can be fun, for example by making an appointment for it or by being outside in nature. It’s good for you to find a form in which you don’t have to work so hard against the resistance.
Can you still achieve a permanent change in behavior?
Yes, in any case. For example, I run almost every day. I like doing it. I run in the park and enjoy the fresh air in the morning and have a positive effect afterwards because it puts me in a good mood. This gives me this positive reinforcement every day. And I notice a difference when I don’t do that. This really is behavior therapy. You learn a new behavior by being rewarded for it afterwards. It’s a great way to change your behavior.
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Author: Ulrike Scheuermann Paperback, 192 pages, Publisher: Knaur
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But how do people who just work all the time manage to devote the time to such positive things?
With my client, we managed to work with the fear of making mistakes. Everything has now loosened. The idea that she could be doing something wrong or that someone might not like what she is doing is no longer so existential to her. As a result, she naturally came up with ideas on how to proceed more efficiently at work. She didn’t even think of that before. It just had to be the maximum variant for everything.
Can you give a sample exercise in self-care?
I always find access through the body nice. Many people are so strong in their heads. You have already thought it through. You know why. But that doesn’t help you. It is really better to go over your body and come into good contact with your own body: It works particularly easily with the breath. You don’t have to do big breathing exercises, just – and that sounds totally banal, but people don’t do it – pay attention to your own breathing. So you don’t even have to change your breath, just pay attention to it for three breaths. And then you are in contact with yourself. Ideally, you should repeat this several times, every now and then. If you can invest a little more time, you can also feel: How does my body feel right now? What is my body telling me What emotion is there?
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Now we’ve all tried to optimize ourselves and all have full to-do lists. Isn’t self-care just another form of self-optimization and that creates additional pressure?
I hope it is not understood that way, but of course you can understand it that way. All kinds of tips run the risk of someone reading them and thinking: “Oh dear, now I have to do that too.” Then just add it to the list. I would like it to be understood differently, and I think that has to do with the basic attitude: self-care is something loving and gentle, you take yourself by the hand, so to speak. You can’t go jogging because it’s more important to calm down. It’s different from fitness tracking and health apps. Instead, intuition and your own body are the most important compass. Self-optimization, on the other hand, is very hard: You still have to complete your training program, come what may.
Do you always succeed in self-care?
No, not always. I am also not optimally optimized myself, and that’s a good thing. There are times when it works better, and there are also times when it works worse. That’s part of self-care, that’s fine. You shouldn’t blame yourself for that. It’s just not a program that you complete quickly. It always has to match the current life situation. In our blended family, someone has just died and my parents suddenly felt very bad. It was super stressful and I was busy with it. I didn’t pay too much attention to self-care. Now a new equilibrium is slowly settling in. Self-care is not something even. And you can’t blame yourself for that. Otherwise it would be self-optimization. We all don’t need that. We already have enough.
Thank you for the interview, Ms. Scheuermann.
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